Just a Silly Saunter
by Zephyre
Summary: The characters at Hogwarts have all forgotten the proper way to act and are now taking themselves off!
1. Default Chapter

Just a Silly Saunter  
  
Author's Note: It is never a good thing when an author starts with an apology, but here it is. I am sorry for this, it is shameful really, but I have been in a strange mood of late and needed to get this out in the open. I hope that I don't get strung up for this.  
  
Dumbledore walked into the Great Hall, his eyes twinkling so brightly that everyone was blinded by the light that seemed to be stolen from the stars.  
  
'Good Morning Everyone!' he said to the wincing room. ' My Gryffindors Hello! I cannot hide my love for you any longer and it must be said that you all gain ten points each just for being who you are.'  
  
The Gryffindors grinned at each other, although none of them knew it through their shut eyes.  
  
The Slytherins growled and smashed heads as they attempted to plot something evil, because that was what was expected of them.  
  
The Hufflepuffs and the Ravenclaws did nothing, because no one cares about them anyway.  
  
Severus stormed into the Great hall and looked down his aquiline nose at the horrible Gryffindors then flicked his hair back, the whole world going in slow motion as the now bright hair sashayed from side to side. It glowed with brilliance now that it had be shown to be shiny and not lank, its life and brilliance putting every known Swartzkoff model to shame. 'Headmaster, really, would you turn it down a few notches, the bats in my dungeon are complaining about the excessive brightness.'  
  
'Think it's too much, Severus?'  
  
'I just said that you pretending-to-be-senile old man.'  
  
'Right.' Albus put his wand to his temple and suddenly you could see Irises the colour of a blue summers day shimmering with young mischief and too much LSD.  
  
Slowly the students opened their eyes, ate their food and talked about inconsequential things like He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and the end of the world.  
  
Severus walked up to the Head table, his hair bouncing and his black cloak billowing behind him, making him look floaty and sexy like Batman at a photo shoot. 'Headmaster I wish to speak to you.'  
  
'Yes, Severus?'  
  
'I need an excuse to get Hermione Granger down to my private quarters which are never what people would expect so that I can shag her brains out.'  
  
'Severus!' Minerva exclaimed, her lips tightening so much that her eating orifice looked more like an arsehole.  
  
'Oh come on Minerva, you weren't so prim and proper on my desk in my office this morning.' The twinkle was threatening to revisit.  
  
'But Albus, I am an of age, consenting, over-righteous stern old bag with a penchant for whips and Hermione is.'  
  
'A ripe young woman with a figure to ravage and a cherry worth popping.' Finished off Nearly Headless Nick. "That is if I could still have sex, or would that be considered necrophilia?  
  
The entire room stopped dead (AN: Pardon the Pun heehee), stared at the Head table and pretended that they heard that disgusting comment over the general din.  
  
'Severus, why don't you just ask her to help you out with a potion that requires two people and instead fill the cauldron up with some elixir that will be mean that she will find you irresistible; or why don't you lure her down there with promises that she can read your Shakespeare collection?'  
  
Severus pondered over Dumbledore's suggestions, his dark eyes glowing with some miraculous inner light that gave him a Godly appearance and made the twenty year age gap between him and Hermione seem like a figment of the imagination.  
  
'Miss Granger, A word?' Severus had somehow snuck up on the Gryffindor table, even though at least half of them were always conscious of his whereabouts.  
  
Hermione looked up, her once fuzzy hair a gloss of tight curls; her eyes the colour of an Iced Mocha-latte with skimmed milk and whipped cream on top. She could barely contain the love she was feeling for this man who had always treated her with nothing but contempt. Her now tall, busty figure transfixed Severus, who knew he was looking at a virgin that would fast become a sexual minx. 'Yes, Professor Snape?  
  
Snape felt nervous for the first time in years, probably since when he and Lily had secretly consummated their undying love and she had conceived Harry. Not even standing in front of the Dark Lord who could kill you in an instant made his pale hands sweat like this. "I was wondering if you would accept my offer of reading my Shakespeare collection and we can fuck like bunnies between sonnets?'  
  
Hermione blinked as if considering her options. "My God YES! Sure thing Sevvy baby, I could do with some lovin'."  
  
They walked off hand in hand and giggled as they ran towards the dungeons. As they walked out Remus Lupin walked in.  
  
'YOU AGAIN!" the whole room declared.  
  
Remus' friendly eyes looked over everyone fondly. 'Well you see the author couldn't think of anyone else to use as a DADA teacher, besides I'm the best you ever had.' "I thought you said I was the only one!' Ron Weasley screamed, his face turning the same shade of orange as his hair. He then stalked out of the Great hall; his skanky second hand robes disintegrating just before he got through the doors.  
  
Harry watched, his bottle green eyes needing a refill. He looked up at Dumbledore, who was playing tootsies with McGonagall and sighed. His life sucked.  
  
'Harry Potter. I have come in vain to try and kill you again!' A dark hiss emanated form a strange red-eyed creature that had somehow managed to infiltrate the unbreakable security of Hogwarts. Several students screamed, just like they should.  
  
'Oh no, whatever shall I do?' Harry said with the appropriate amount of shock. 


	2. Chapter 2

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Just a Silly Saunter

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Rated: R for general naughtiness.

Disclaimer: None of it is mine I tell you, except for this deranged lack of storyline

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Chapter two

'Do? What do you mean what shall you do? You shall piss me off by calling me Tom Riddle and then we will fight. I will lose again and then disappear for another twelve months until I can devise another plan to take over the world!'

'Excuse me, but did you do the voiceover for Pinky and the Brain?' a student squeaked.

Voldemort's eyes grew wide and a smile developed. 'However did you know?'

Harry looked contemplative. Well as contemplative as a sixteen year old boy with sex on the brain could look. 'Ok, but only on the condition that you admit your undying obsession with me needs a little help, Tom.'

Voldemort's eyes turned back into tiny slits. 'But I can't get you out of me head.'

All the girls in the room jumped up on their stools and then in perfect unison started dancing and singing. 'Boy your love is all that I'm thinking of.'

Draco jumped up on the Slytherin table, a different tune needing to be freed from his supple, pale lips. Shiny leather glistened from the starlight above as a very nice arse got itself among the food. Hair flowing behind him like a Pantene model, Draco changed a goblet into a microphone and stared longingly at Harry. 'Never know how much I love you, never know how much I care, when you put your arms around me, I get a fever that's so hard to bare…'

Harry stared at the mayhem around him and wondered what made things so different this time, and why did Draco look like he wanted to eat him piece by delectable piece? He looked to Dumbeldore for guidance but instead found the principal trying to chew on McGonagall's tonsils.

"Jeez, I wish my friends were around.' Harry sighed.

Right on cue Ron rushed back into the Great hall and stood at Harry's side. He held his wand out at Voldemort, who at that moment was a little preoccupied watching Draco acting very strangely with a zucchini. Slightly off cue due to being otherwise occupied Hermione jogged in, her robes ripped and bruises decorating her neck like ill placed Pokka-dots. She was completely neutral towards the chaos surrounding them. She then turned and glared at Voldemort, who instantly stopped watching Draco and glared at her, his eyes turning an even deeper shade of red.

'How dare that mudblood be impertinent enough to look me in the eyes!' Shrieked Voldemort.

'Where is my yummy hunk of student flesh?' growled Severus as he re-entered the Great Hall.

"Your blood isn't exactly pure yourself Voldy.' Growled Hermione licking her lips at Severus, who pounded across the floor faster than humanly possible and grabbed Hermione around the waist. Just as he picked her up and carried her back out of the Great Hall she called to Harry. 'You'll be right, you always are. I'll be in the prefects bathroom infusing myself with the smells of Vanilla and Severus if you really need me.'

Harry and Ron grimaced.

'Well enough chit chat.' Voldemort said to the room. 'Or do we intend to chat all day?'

'Actually I have a few questions.' Piped up a Ravenclaw, whose name wasn't memorable enough to be typed.

'Me too' a Hufflepuff squeaked.

Suddenly barrages of questions were thrown at Voldemort, each murky and undefined. Voldemort placed his head in his hands.

"Sometimes I don't know why I bother…'

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AN: Short I know, but it isn't really a muse that hangs around long unfortunately. If you want me to write more of this, you know what button to push (Sexual innuendo unintentional I promise;)


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